From January 18th

Days 6 and 7 of the cleanse are dedicated to what’s called “Purification Weekend,” a two-day period wherein the Conscious Cleanser eats only fruits and vegetables (with a maximum of 2 tablespoons of oil allowed in smoothies or on salad). I chose to make today, day 5, one of my purification days, because I work tomorrow and might be heading out of town on Sunday, and I didn’t want to make the day harder for me than it ought to be.

and folks, let me tell you.

IT IS HARD.

I’m weepy. I’m unable to concentrate. I’m short of breath. my stamina is low, and so is my self esteem. my temper is short. i don’t want to do anything but huddle in my covers, cozier than a damn football team during a timeout. Jo and Julie, co-founders and co-captains of the Conscious Cleanse program, insist that these feelings are normal, and actually indicative of the good the cleanse is doing for me. I might be shedding toxins, or I might be breaking free of cravings. I might be giving my body a chance to recalibrate its digestive process. I might, free of the sense-inhibiting powers of caffeine or sugar or booze, suddenly be feeling a host of emotions I normally cover up in lattes and lagers. there’s some validity to all of these points, but i have a hunch that i’m also just hungry.

and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong. The cleanse doesn’t advocate skipping meals or restricting intake. I’ve eaten about every 2 hours today, and I’ve eaten delicious things. Still, in my attempts to be true to the purification guidelines (nothing but plant and a little oil) I have worked myself into a paradoxical feeling of fullness. My belly is swimming with brussels sprouts and smoothies, but I’m gnawing for something more. It might be a big ol’ PBJ, or it might be something missing from my soul. It’s probably both, and while I’m uncomfortable with the dissatisfaction of not having anything but more fruit to look forward to tonight, I am glad that the very temporary deprivation of anything more calorically significant has made me a little more aware of my moods.

I’ll have to remember to return to this and examine it more closely later on…right now, I’m feeling a little too skittish and distracted to write much more.