justin bieber is chirping from a piano bench outside my window.


let it be said, i am not in cleveland anymore. yesterday, i hopped a plane to new york city, sat next to the most beautiful girl- landing at la guardia in chris's warm bear hug (and the front seat of his mazda) shortly after 6pm. we drove home, made peanut butter, mushroom, and sprout sandwiches, and stayed out much too late at two very different bars on the lower east side.

this morning i slept in (for me, anyway, which means i slept till 8 30) and went for a walk through the neighborhood before buying a paper cup of earl grey to tote back to the apartment. i spent my day biking. i ate a lot of peanut butter and (in spite of my eating-disordered anxiety over this) a lot of bread, and went for a 30 minute run up and down some side streets in bushwick before packing a bag full of food and heading to times square for a very privileged version of new york's new year's eve bash.

chris and i are watching the party most of the country watches on television from the windows of his office. we've perched a telescope in front of the radiator and have a magnified view, when we want it, of the main stage- i think i've stared, now, at ryan seacrest's back? we're warm, we have bathroom access, and we made- of course- peanut butter and vegetable sandwiches for supper.

i am a lucky girl. sometimes. not all the time. i've certainly had my share of shit, but i suppose that somehow, the highs have matched the lows. my life is not boring. i hate when it's bad, but i hate it more when it's hum-drum; a few nights ago, i spent hours sobbing on my bedroom floor, and now i am sipping tea on the sixteenth floor of a times square office building on december 31st. some bad, some good. no boring.

well, i'll be.

i'll be.

two things, one old, one new.

This, from a week or two ago:

I dreamt about matt last night. he came up to see me at my house, and while niki and chick were laughing over something on the computer, he stood close and told me, sheepishly, that he loved me. I did not tell him that I loved him back, but I did wrap him up in a hug, and when we were away from my building- we ended up finding an abandoned house as we walked around the neighborhood- I kissed him, and we just kissed: warm, pent-up fervent kisses.
When I was out being drunk last night, he told me he'd felt blindsided during Chick's birthday party last year- meeting Chris, when he thought i was unattached. I am rarely open with anyone, but perhaps i have underestimated matt's value as a friend. it might be too late anymore- i went to sleep feeling sick with beer and guilt, and awoke the same- but if matt hasn't edited me out of his heart, as a friend or otherwise, i am going to endeavor to be a better friend to him.


And this, from tonight:

i had such a lovely time in new york this weekend; heading back to cleveland left me as heavy as the sky's been here. i hate ohio lately. i've always wanted more. as a kid i was conscious of the world, if in a very child-like way, and dreamt of going there- wherever "there" was. sometimes i was content to sit and read about adventures, but sometimes i was anxious to get up and have them. it's no different now. days here telescope into darkness and then it's evening, and instead of people and places perking up, leaving work, walking with determination to the Next Thing, people are going home, closing down. Everything is dark and sparse, but unlike the darkness and wideness of the country, this urban quiet feels like exhaustion. a rural scene sleeps early but the night isn't silent, and the sleep is pure- it's rest. downtown empties so quickly, so completely. highways siphon life away after work; cleveland's full of sad dust settling after dark.