this morning i woke up, ran four miles, rinsed my sweat and the city's condensation off of me, and lay in my bed and cried. sometimes i feel, simultaneously, stagnant and overwhelmed, as though i'm mired in a sinking cesspool while people all around demand of me more and more. i'm focused on surviving and i feel like everyone else is focused on thriving, and while i appreciate the things folks do to help me succeed, i don't always feel ready to shine. sometimes i can barely keep me head up and when i get to the end of a day like that, i just want to shower the shit away and hide in my kitchen to make cookies and watch "500 Days of Summer."
i don't want to be a could-have-been. it breaks my heart to think of opportunities i've already wasted, at the age of 26. i'm comparably young and i don't think we ever really run out of chances as long as we're alive (and maybe able; probably being alive and with it is the key). still, sometimes i can't keep up with the world and i WANT to fade for a minute, or a day, or a week. i know i could submit recipes to contests or try to make some money selling cookies (yeah, i think they're that good) but i actually don't want to make a living as a baker and prefer to give surprise batches of cookies to friends when it suits my fancy. i know i could submit a few headshots to an agency and maybe book a local modeling gig, but i haven't had the time to find a photographer and i had to work during the last open call at cleveland's local agency, so i think i'd rather just sit pretty when i want to dress up for a date and and wear scrubby bike gear the rest of the time instead.
i want to do the things i want to do; not to the exclusion of being recognized for or making a bit of pocket change pursuing hobbies like baking, but in addition to, when i have the energy. since i don't want to make a career out of modeling or cooking, these things should be FUN, and right now, i don't have the energy to chase them and have fun doing it. right now, i have barely enough energy to get through a day on the job, and then...and then my fun is usually in the form of a beer and a bike ride. i want to get my feet back on solid ground, and THEN i'll feel more excited about throwing myself out there as far as opportunities go...right now, everything but cocktails is a chore.