Friday, March 11, 2011

what i want to know is this: where do people find their energy? where do people get the UMPH required to act on an idea? how the hell does one fire up the engines and actually go out, spend time with people, attend parties, get beers, volunteer, make small talk, be social...? i am at a loss. after working, even if i've only worked 6 hours, i am spent, and another person's company exhausts me- even if the idea of spending time together sounds grand.

i wish i could find some of that energy. usually, starting around 8 or 9, my world starts to change. noises are louder, but my interpretation of my environment seems dull and faded, as though i were looking at things from behind a waterfall or the bottom of a swimming pool. it takes tremendous effort to get up and make tea or put on laundry, much less go out to a bar. i don't even want to converse with my roommates, so an hours-long evening of socialization isn't an option. sometimes i push myself in the name of following through, and i end up staring into space, leaning an elbow on whatever bartop in a dazed, dopey, semi-conscious state of being.

...which doesn't make me very much fun.

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